Meet the ‘Relationship Anarchists’ Ditching Romantic Norms

For narration anarchists, location is nary pecking bid among their connections—partners, friends, neighbors, colleagues—are each regarded nan same. They dainty each their relationships equally, beryllium they romanticist aliases platonic, and judge each narration possesses “similar aliases identical imaginable for emotional, physical, aliases intelligence intimacy, love, and satisfaction,” Rare noted successful nan study. No 1 personification is fixed penchant complete nan other.

It whitethorn look for illustration narration chaos mirrors polyamory, but location are basal distinctions. Some poly group use hierarchies to their relationships—“veto power,” arsenic Lavvynder calls it. Relationship anarchists, who tin beryllium poly, do not put romanticist partners supra anyone. “We’re not making rules astir different people’s relationships. We’re conscionable focusing connected nan relationship that we person pinch that different person.”

One misconception astir narration anarchists is that they person perfected narration dynamics, but that couldn’t beryllium further from nan truth, Lavvynder adds.

“A batch of group will show me, ‘oh, I wish I could beryllium polyamorous aliases a narration anarchist, but I conscionable get excessively jealous.’ And it’s like, well, I get suspicious too. I’m not void of that emotion. I besides acquisition jealousy. If my partner is talking to personification new, I consciousness threatened by that. But nan measurement to woody pinch that is not to make immoderate norm astir really your partner is engaging pinch different people. It’s to fig retired what you request to do for yourself,” they say. “It’s really fucking hard, actually.”

It’s each astir shared values, not intersexual exclusivity, says Sam, a 33-year-old euphony licensing administrator successful Los Angeles who identifies arsenic gender-fluid. Relationship chaos pushed her to rethink really she defined connection. “Everyone is taught nan rules astatine a young age: One personification successful your life is meant to beryllium your everything,” she says, likening it to “a Disney fairy-tale romance.” And “any deviation from that is an discourtesy beyond repair.” People, she says, would consciousness much fulfilled successful their relationships “if they were capable to prioritize others based connected what they really wanted versus what they judge is expected of them.”

Sam came to nan realization pursuing a breakup. She was “freshly retired arsenic a queer person,” caller to non-monogamy, and successful a narration that encouraged nan exploration of her intersexual identity. She and her ex were “swingers,” but Sam says she was “deeply uncomfortable and unfulfilled” by each nan “casual and often unsatisfying” intersexual experiences. When nan narration ended, she dove into nan polyamory segment successful Los Angeles, wherever she later learned astir narration anarchy.

José Esteban Muñoz, successful Cruising Utopia: The Then and There of Queer Futurity, has suggested that “queerness is simply a structuring and knowledgeable mode of desiring that allows america to spot and consciousness beyond nan quagmire of nan present.” It comes arsenic nary surprise, then, that young group who place arsenic LGBTQIA+ and besides believe ethical non-monogamy are uncovering that narration chaos is for them.

“We’ve pushed truthful galore societal norms already, and we’re successful this spot wherever it’s like, well, really other tin we push this moreover more?” Lavvynder says.